The roundabout of parenthood
Hi again folks, I hope everyone is well!
Well again insomnia has me sitting in front of my PC with the headphones on listening to music and writing another post for my blog. I do hope that these posts aren’t getting on your nerves as they seem to be coming thick and fast over the past week or so!
I was reading a post on SWAN UK’s Facebook Page and it got me thinking again about a subject that my wife and I have danced around for about 3-4 years now……having another child.
My wife and I always had envisioned having a large family of 4 kids. We always talked about it and with 3 girls we really hoped that we would have the chance to have a little boy. After the really long labour and traumatic birth of our SWAN daughter (you can read about it here) I was always hesitant as I guess I am still a bit traumatised by seeing my wife go into shock after the fetal blood sampling they needed to do. For anyone who isn’t sure what this involves I will explain. A fetal blood sample is taken from the head of the infant to check the blood pH level to see if the child is getting enough oxygen. This caused my wife’s body to go into shock as her cervix was in the wrong position and it shouldn’t have been performed in our opinion (you can read more about it here if you want). I can still see in my mind the force used and her body shaking after the procedure was finished. It was a horrible experience for her and for me to see and it scares me to think that it could happen again if we were to have another child. In fact the though of all the prodding and poking that would be involved throughout the pregnancy for her and the baby is something that I feel is unfair for her to experience and it worries me every time we talk about it.
The major factor that comes into play is that our youngest daughter has an undiagnosed genetic condition. She has gone through every single test that can be performed to look at all of the possible syndromes and conditions they know about and they still come up blank.
(I got a bit sidetracked here and wrote a whole load of stuff about our worst Christmas but that will be another post as it went off topic slightly)
So we asked the geneticist if there were any chances that another child would have the same genetic condition and the response we got was to wait a few more years to see if they have found anything. They wouldn’t say whether there was or wasn’t a chance of it happening again. So here we are 5 or 6 years on in the same position of wondering and I am now 33 and my wife is 37. Time is rapidly running out for us to have another child of our own. We both desperately want to but there is always that niggling doubt in the back of our minds of what if? We have even considered adoption as I always said I would love to offer a child the opportunity of becoming part of my wonderful family and getting the love and care that every child deserves. We feel that it is an awkward path to go down though as we have a 3 bed bungalow that is adapted for my daughter’s needs and it would mean another child sharing with our older daughter. It also then has us questioning whether it is fair to have a child who has gone through a traumatic time already being put into a family where there is a child with special needs who needs a lot of care and attention. And around and around we go again!
This is not something exclusive to us I have found as I read on the SWAN UK Facebook page. There are a number of families going through the same question and wondering if they are playing a roulette wheel of chance. It is heartbreaking to think there are so many families out there who have so much love to give and so much devotion to their families already but they feel guilty about thinking of having another child. I read a wonderful blog at areyoukiddingney where the writer has a more optimistic view on it all.
I think the biggest fear that I have is that if I did have another child of my own and it was growing up and hitting all the milestones that my daughter still hasn’t reached, it would make me feel even worse and I don’t think I could handle that to be honest. When people ask me what I would do if I had three wishes, the very first thing that jumps to my mind is to take all of the problems away so my beautiful daughter can experience everything that this world has to offer. I would happily trade places with her just to take it all away from her, I feel so helpless at times with my own disability and then watching her go through things that I can’t control or help with.
And so the roundabout turns again and we get back to the start of the argument again. It sometimes feels like a playground with my emotions. The roundabout going around and around the issues, feeling the ups and downs of the seesaw depending on what has happened that week and the swings of my mood back and forth between happy and energetic to depressed and angry at the fact I can’t move some days without being in agony, even with the copious amounts of pain medications that I take.
So that is the question we have today, What would you do in this situation?
Well I guess that is it for now as I don’t want to overload anyone with information so:
Until next time, Stay Safe!
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All about me
Hi, My name is Keith Addison and I am a full time carer / writer/ public speaker and blogger. I live in Newcastle upon Tyne in the North East of England and I am married with three daughters. My youngest daughter has an undiagnosed genetic condition and we call her our SWAN because of our involvement with the charity SWAN UK (Syndromes without a Name).
It’s not a fun playground is it? It just makes you dizzy! Lovely post Keith, and I hope you find some resolution, or it just happens and you can just hope for the best! X
It definitely isn’t a fun playground and it often makes you dizzy and sick!
Thank you for reading and thank you for your kind words.
I have been thinking about this a lot too. I would dearly love to have a third child but, honestly, we’re a little afraid of how we would cope with another child with the same (or more complex) needs as our son’s. We already have two children, we should be thankful, but I can’t help that niggling ‘what if?’ we had a third… No easy answer to this question. Our geneticist has said we should wait too…
Hi Mavis, thanks for reading.
It is a really tough decision and a lot to think about when you are in a place like our families are. There is no easy answer and no easy questions that can bring you to a solid conclusion. I think it is going to be a case of considering what the head, heart and gut say and choosing to go with one of them.
I hope you get some kind of resolution for your family and I wish you all the best.
Awesome post. Wish I had answers for you. I am a, you never regret the babies you have, sort of person. But that said life is not so easily laid out. I hope whatever you decide your family may find peace and comfort in the decision.
Thank you for reading and I couldn’t agree more with you that life isn’t laid out the easiest way!
I love all of the kids that I have and I feel that we have brought them up with a good amount of respect for themselves, others and the world around them. There is still that feeling though that there is enough love and room for one more addition to our family. It is still a tough decision but I am sure we will work it out
Thanks again for reading and posting!
Aw, Keith. We were there after we had our first child with a rare disorder. We now, through a twist, have three boys all diagnosed with the same disorder. We learned a little more about the disorder with each child, and meant to stop after kiddo number 2, but God had other plans.
I can’t say what you should do, I can only say that we have faith that our guys were born and are exactly the little boys they were meant to be. These, though, are the things in life that keep us up some nights. {hugs} Our journey is a rocky one, but it’s ours!
Thank you Katrina for reading my story
It is nice to think that there are families out there that can understand the problem that we have and even the smallest piece of advice can offer a perspective we might not have considered. We are going to talk about our options at length and see what lies ahead.
Thanks again for your comments.
Know exactly how you feel. It’s such a hard decision. More than anything i would love to give Evie somebody to play with. The reason i choose to have a 13 month gap between my two was because i wanted them to grow up together & always have somebody to play with. I hate watching Evie play alone & i no she would love a a sibling to play with. But I have no time right now for a healthy child to be born into our family let alone if it unfortunatly was born with special needs.
I’m sure the decision will be very hard for you but i hope whatever you decide works out for you all x
We have decided not to have anymore children. We are completely tapped out now as it is, emotionally, financially and physically. Hmm, that brings out a lot of thoughts that maybe I should blog about. I don’t want to hijack your thread
But as far as more children, I feel unable to do everything that I need to do daily for the 2 I have. I barely keep my head above water now. It would be unfair for everyone if I were to have another, the stress of the guilt of my feelings of inadequacy would be crippling.
Tough decision. I thought Chrissy would just be a ‘bit backward’ when I had my other two quite quickly afterwards. No idea of the extent of her problems & never even crossed my mind that it would happen again. Convinced her problems had been caused by the difficult birth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss! On your point re younger siblings hitting milestones – Chrissy’s siblings overtook her in size & development but all 3 are so very different from one another anyway that it wasn’t a huge issue. I do hope that you soon find a way forward that works for you & your family.
Thanks for reading Jane,
You make some good points and I suppose each child will have strengths and weaknesses so I guess it isn’t that important about hitting milestones. Definitely more to think about after what you have said!
Thanks
Well, as Keith and his wife knows, my husband and I have 2 children who are 13 years apart in age. My husband adopted my son from my previous marriage 2 years after we tied the knot. Our eldest son has high functioning autism, semantic pragmatic disorder and dyslexia (like SWAN those conditions cannot be currently found by genetic testing either.) And, even if you could find autism in the human DNA I would not have aborted our son as it is not for me personally as I believe they are too much of a precious gift to give up so easily. And, people on the autistic spectrum have contribed so much to the world: including microsoft, the virgin group, anti-bullying plus education and social stories that all learning disabled use to learn how to communicate (Bill Gates is a sauvant, Richard Branson is dyslexic, Henry Winkler is dyslexic and Dr.Temple Grandin is a sauvant.)
We lost the first baby we tried for after the adoption order went through. However, we tried again after 2 years 6 months had past and we were overjoyed that I was around 8 weeks pregnant on Millennium Eve. However, right from the start I felt like I had small stone in my stomach and it was quite painful from start to finish carrying her. I was in and out of labour for 7 days. I even asked for an elective c-section and was refused (in spite of our son being delivered by forceps and the fact that I suffered from severe post natal psychosis after giving birth the first time.) I had to have an emergency c-section in order to save our daughter’s life. And, yet again I suffered from severe post natal psychosis and my daughter and I were in the mum and baby unit in Morpeth for nearly 4 months.
We were prepared to care for another child with special needs of any kind as all babies are a precious gift. However, our daughter has no disabilities of any kind. Even though my husband doesn’t have a biological son, he says my mental and physical should be our primary concern. Also, the responsibility of caring for 2 children is enough and it is not necessary for me to go through child birth again.
Maybe some day we will be a called Nana and Pop or a gr8 aunt or uncle or perhaps we will even able foster children, who need experienced and patient carers to look after them in times of dire need. And, it would be wonderful to have teenagers who are prepared to put up with a pair of grandparents taking care of them.
In conclusion I think that Keith and his wife should continue to care for the 3 children that they are responsible for and make the very best job of it that they can as younger parents. Keith’s eldest daughter is a wonderful girl and I love having her around socialising with our daughter. She deserves the very best in life as well so she can reach her full potential. And, Keith and his wife provide a loving home and I am sure she will do many good things with her life in the future. And, of course their SWAN is a wonderful gift to them, only special people are gifted with children who need so much more tender loving care and being in a wonderful small close family group is the way to meet her extensive and complex needs.
*Edited by blog author to protect identities*
Thank you Pamela for your support with the blog and also with our daughter as well. It is good to know that there is somewhere that she can go when her ‘fuddy duddy, old and mean’ parents get on her nerves. I had to edit out some of the names to protect their identity so I hope you don’t mind. Thanks again