Decisions, Decisions, Decisions. How do you choose?
Hi again folks, This is Day 9 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.
This week has been a really tough one for me as I have had to make some serious decisions about my life and the direction in which it is going. Everything from my health, my blogging, my studies with the Open University and even what I do in my leisure time with my family has been on my mind in this past week. So if you folks don’t mind I would like to ask you all for your opinions and advice.
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The first thing I have had to address is my studies with the Open University. i was studying for a degree qualification in Psychology and over the past year I have juggled my health, caring for my daughter and my studies to try and get my assignments in on time. I have just about managed it but with a considerable amount of stress which grew with each assignment that was due. it got so bad that I almost had a meltdown with the last one causing me to suffer terrible insomnia for about 4 days where I didn’t get any sleep whatsoever. This affected my health really badly both mentally and physically and my poor wife and kids took the brunt of my bad moods I am ashamed to say. On top of all that my medications keep changing to get stronger and stronger each time which often means I have extreme difficulties in concentration, my memory is terrible and a very strange phenomenon of being unable to read and understand things. Add on top of this the effects of constant pain being a distraction and you start to see why I was struggling so much with handing in my assignments. I decided that I should speak to my GP about all of this and make my decision as to whether I could continue working towards my degree. The result was my GP said that she didn’t know how I wasn’t comatose during the day with the amount of medication I am on and that it probably wasn’t going to improve for the foreseeable future. This means I had no choice but to withdraw from my studies. I am really gutted about it but I have to admit I do feel a little relieved that I won’t have the added pressure on me when things start up again in September. I do have the option of looking at some counselling courses in the future which I would consider in place of the Psychology qualification as it is a lot more ‘hands on’ and is something I think I would be quite good at doing.
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Then I started to think about my blogging and writing. I have been having an absolute blast writing this blog up to now and it has been therapeutic, opened up my world to supportive and caring people and caused me to take a look at what I want from life and where I am heading. The support I have had from your comments and the support I have been shown through Facebook and Twitter has been astounding. I have had so many nice comments, spoken to so many nice people and had so many different thoughts and ideas on what I would like to do next. I have decided that I am going to self-host my blog so it will be changing web address in the very near future. This will allow me more control over what can be done on the blog and hopefully will give me a bit more freedom to change the design and feel of the blog to fit what I want it to become. I have also considered writing some other things such as some poetry, short stories or maybe even a weekly story in episodes for a different blog. Are there any things you would like to see me write about either in this blog or for another blog on a different subject maybe? I will consider any suggestion as I have not got any ideas for certain about what the next project will be.
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My health has took a bit of a battering over the past couple of months with my insomnia becoming increasingly worse, my pain getting steadily worse and my ability to move around being severely compromised. I spoke to my GP about my insomnia and she is stumped about what to do about it as I already take combinations of Morphine Sulphate, Oramorph, Gabapentin, Diazepam, Paracetamol, Acupan and Feldene Gel for my pain and swelling. I am currently taking the maximum dosage she can give me and she said it should technically have me knocked out during the day but I find I can’t sleep no matter what I try. As the insomnia gets worse the physical symptoms associated with it (ulcers in the mouth, stomach cramps, headaches and fatigue) also worsen causing me to withdraw to my bed on some days with an inability to move from it. This has taken its toll on me mentally as well as it can cause me to feel depressed, tired and that I am fighting an uphill battle in trying to deal with my pain and it’s control.
I also wanted to start trying to do some exercise in the form of swimming but with the constant tiredness and stomach pains it can make it difficult to commit to going regularly to swimming sessions at our local pool. I did manage to find out that our local council is planning on disabled only swimming sessions which will hopefully mean that we can go as a family to enjoy some leisure time together as well. I just hope that I can manage to get the pain under control enough to be able to go to some of these sessions as I think my weight loss would benefit from doing some regular exercise and I also don’t want to end up with too much muscle wastage due to inactivity. Which actually brings me on to my next couple of points.
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I have recently put in my renewal forms for my disability benefits and they have finally awarded me the care component as I need a lot of help from my wife with everyday tasks. I have been trying to get them to change this for about 8 months now but they seemed unwilling to budge, but, as of October, they have awarded me the new rate. This has been a good thing and a bad thing for me in a way. In one respect I feel validated because there has finally been recognition of how much I actually suffer each day and that is a good thing but on the other hand it has also opened my eyes and made me realise that I am actually disabled. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that I was having these difficulties but I guess in my own mind I tried to rationalise it as ‘something I just get on with’ without analysing it too much. This change has made me re-evaluate things and realise that maybe I need a little more help than I have been comfortable asking for in the past and that is something it is going to take me a little while to come to terms with I think. This also ties in with my next, and biggest, question that I would like some opinions on. On Sunday gone I participated in a sponsored walk to raise funds for the respite care unit that my daughter attends. I say I participated, my wife and one of the ladies from the unit took turns in pushing me in my wheelchair while Manga pushed Pretzel in her wheelchair. It was really nice to get out as a family but it did highlight a few problems that have made me weigh up some options. Manga found it quite difficult after a while to push Pretzel because it caused her to get sore hands and shoulders while my weight and my wheelchair caused my wife to get tired quickly pushing me. It was only then that I realised that this was one of the reasons why we don’t go out as a family very often as it is so difficult for us to organise places to go with two wheelchairs. I can’t physically propel myself along in my wheelchair because the position I need to be in means it causes my back muscles to spasm and worsens the pain. That is what made me consider getting a powered wheelchair scooter. I have the option as I get a mobility allowance on my disability benefit which would pay for me to have the powered wheelchair but I do have some reservations about getting one. The advantages would be that my family would get more time out together as my wife would be able to push my daughter in her wheelchair while I would be fine getting myself around. It would also mean for short trips to the GP and the local shops would be made easier meaning I wouldn’t have to be taken in the car, saving on petrol and running costs. We already have a wheelchair adapted vehicle so transporting a motorised wheelchair wouldn’t be a problem but I do have some reservations. I have a thought in my head that I would just be seen as an overweight guy ‘too lazy’ to walk if I was to use a scooter type wheelchair and I would feel a bit self-conscious because of it. I also would be scared that using a scooter would make me become too reliant on using it. A phrase that sticks with me is one that my pain management clinician said is “Most of the time people who go into a wheelchair because of a back problem don’t come out of it”. This had me thinking and I don’t know whether it is something I should accept is going to happen to me or if I will actually get better. I have suffered now for a number of years with the pain and things have become progressively worse during that time, so do I accept that I am going to need to be in a wheelchair for the forseeable future and adapt to that as best as possible or do I resist and struggle on as I have been doing?
So these are the questions that I am faced with. What subjects would you like to see me talk about in my blog? Are there any other types of writing you think I should try out? Should I get a motorised wheelchair to improve my family’s social life and ease the burden on my wife and daughter? Am I worrying too much about what other people will say about me if I do get the wheelchair? I am at a total loss as to what I should do so I am throwing it open to you, my new found friends of the world wide web……What would you do?
I thank you again everyone for the support you have shown me so far and I truly value each and every opinion that is offered to me,
So until next time, Stay safe folks!
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All about me
Hi, My name is Keith Addison and I am a full time carer / writer/ public speaker and blogger. I live in Newcastle upon Tyne in the North East of England and I am married with three daughters. My youngest daughter has an undiagnosed genetic condition and we call her our SWAN because of our involvement with the charity SWAN UK (Syndromes without a Name).
I’m sure you’ve probably tried everything by now but if you can get any further treatment for your back whether that be physi, chiropractic, acupunture then go for it. Keep trying to stay mobile but if you need the wheelchair then use it.
Lynn
Thanks Lynne, I am waiting for the results of some X-rays this week on my hips but apart from that they have done everything possible so far. I definitely want to keep mobile and I will walk as far as I can all of the time. Thanks for reading and commenting
Keith,
I can certainly understand a lot of what you are talking about, especially regarding the issue of choosing to discontinue your education and issues with medication not doing what they should, but impacting your ability to function. I’ve had to make difficult decisions around those issues in my past. You are the only one who knows what’s best for you and your family and it seems like you are heading in the correct direction.
Writing is a bit of a compulsive addiction, is it not? I really enjoy it myself and am being inspired to begin thinking about branching out beyond my personal blog at some point in the future. I think that whatever you decide to write about and share with the world, you will have readers as long as you write about something that inspires, intrigues, and is of interest to you. As long as you authentically write about things that matter to you, whether they be light hearted and fun or more serious and challenging, the way you share yourself is what is key.
Finally, here is a bit of inspiration for not giving up on being the best you, possible within the circumstances: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/04/arthur-boorman-veteran-walks-again-yoga_n_1478847.html. It is one of the things that helps me to go ahead and get out and get moving despite the pain and energy issues. You do only what you can do and let go of the rest and figure out a way to celebrate what you did do instead of lament that which wasn’t possible.
Sorry for going on so long,
Blessings,
Kina
Sass
I’m in a simi
Thanks Kina,
It has been a tough decision to make about the education but I fear I would have either driven my wife insane or gone insane myself if I hadn’t have done it!
I am planning on writing some new stuff and the WANA tribe will definitely be the first place that it will be tested out! I will give that website a look and see if I can get something happening. Speak to you soon!
I had a diagnosis of progressive cervical myelopathy today. progressive enough to say my C6 disc looks like a burst couch and the surgeon went straight to the ” lets do the surgery route….go away enjoy ur holiday (in a’ as if it was my last’ kind of voice) then we will have you in and chop you up !!
Sleepless, I am so sorry for all the challenges you are going through…all at once! My secular specialty is teaching people how to *trade in* their stress for energy, and my spiritual specialty is helping people to feel their closeness with the Divine. Even with your physical limitations right now, you can do instant yoga (my piece on this at http://wp.me/pw4HM-5P) and pursue Peace Within (my series on this at http://wp.me/pyEwf-1k). When your mind and heart are clear, the decisions are much easier to make. I hope this is helpful. Blessings to you.
Hi Keith, I was quite sad reading your blog today, as you seem to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I think that you must keep moving as and when you can, so you don’t lose the moblity that you have. Maybe on long trips the motorised wheelchair would be better for you. It would give both you and your wife more independence. Whenever I have a difficult decision to make, I ask my angels to help me notice the things I need to see; and then I look out for things to pop up and follow them to see where they lead. I do not attend church but I do believe in God and that he hears us. I hope you come to the right decision for you and wish you well my new friend.
Thanks Athena, I would still keep moving as I am so motivated to do so. I used to play a lot of sports and it is so frustrating not to be able to go out for a long walk or a run. I use a crutch to get around when I am not in my wheelchair and that would be the plan if I did get a motorised wheelchair as well. I am still on my own spiritual journey and I have a number of beliefs but I truly appreciate your thoughts and well wishes
I know it’s always much easier to give advice than receive it, but since you asked – I am a HUGE believer in getting second opinions, especially when it comes to health issues. There are two very important reasons for that. 1) A few years ago a vet advised me to put my beloved dog down because she was suffering from back pain caused by arthritis. I didn’t want her to suffer, but decided to wait long enough to get a second opinion. The new vet confirmed the arthritis, gave me $10 worth of cortizone pills and within a week she was running and playing like a puppy again. Imagine! 2) At one time I was diagnosed with a rare degenerative eye disease and told there was no cure and I would probably be blind within 6 months. I went in search of another opinion – found it and opted for experimental surgery. Today I see just fine (although even the surgine considered the results a miracle) and I can’t even imagine what my life would be like today had I not insisted on that second opinion. Regardless of what you decide, I wish you all the best.
Thank you for your comment Marquita, I totally agree on second opinions and I am still looking at as many different avenues of investigation as possible with my GP. Luckily, she is very good and is trying her best to see what she can do for me so I will keep pushing until I get to the bottom of why I am suffering from this pain. Thank you for your well wishes and I appreciate your opinions
You are pushing yourself to the limit (if not past it). If your degree is something you really want to do, can you perhaps take a hiatus or cut back on the course load? Maybe just do part time.
As for the insomnia, I don’t know what others think but the think that works best in my opinion is prayer. I don’t know what your beliefs are but talking to God to me is the best therapy and there’s a scripture that says, “He gives his beloved sleep.”
No disrespect to anybody else’s faith but for me it’s all about Jesus. He’s the solution. You only know for yourself if you call out to Him for yourself.
Hi Michelle, thank you for your comments.
I was already studying part time for the degree and I will have the option of returning to my studies at a later date because it was done in modules.
I do try to set myself aside on an evening with some quiet time to relax and close down my hyperactive brain and it has had some limited success so it is something I am going to keep trying to see if it helps.
Sounds like you have a lot on your mind. It is not surprising you have insomnia!
It is so tough to have to chose between different things. We can do it all, just not all at the same time. I’m sure you will eventually get back to your studies. It’s good to have the stress relieved right now.
Something that caught my eye was that you didn’t mention physical therapy. I hope that your doctor has provided you a good referral for that. It sounds like it would do you a world of good both physically and emotionally. A quality physical therapist can design a program that will push your limits, thus increasing your mobility and lessening pain and stress, while at the same time, not causing injury.
It is amazing the difference even a little physical activity can make in helping you to feel better in so many ways.
I hope you are also able to have some regular alone time with your wife. That is such an important relationship and so easily pushed aside.
Hi Gina,
I do try and keep myself as active as possible in the home but my physiotherapist has said that there is nothing they can do for me at the moment until I get the pain under control. Unfortunately, my muscles often go into spasm so manipulation or any movement is virtually impossible. My lovely wife does help me with massage and helps me to keep moving as best I can for now but once I get the pain under control I should be able to do a lot more. Alone time with my wife is very precious to me and we try to take every opportunity that is presented to us to relax and get back to ‘dating’ each other
Sometimes life takes us in different directions than the ones we want to go in, and it is hard so hard not to turn around and try to swim back against the current, insistent that we will go where we please. Sometimes the road we are meant to walk turns out to be a better one than what we had planned ourselves. I hope you find this comes to pass soon. It is awfully hard to set down goals, and projects, but you know what, I think you’d be an excellent therapist, and you would/ are an excellent medical writer/ therapeutic writer. If you are beating yourself up, as we all do, feeling the need to prove to yourself you are being productive, give me a shout, and I’ll help you find a home for some of your writing. I work as an editor, but I’ve been doing freelance for a decade and there is an abundance of places you’ll find that would welcome your voice, and pay you pretty well too.
I do hope you get a some relief sleep wise, I can imagine your gp’s struggle, some how zopiclone just isn’t going to do much with the cocktail you are already on. Have you tried melatonin?
Hi mama dragon,
Thank you for your support, I am really hoping that the path I am on now is the right one for me because I am getting so much enjoyment out of writing and ‘talking’ to other people about all kinds of things. I always need to be productive and creative because if I don’t then I start to go stir crazy and that would drive my wife and kids insane as well. I would love to write for other places as well. I am just starting to look at places that might help get me started in writing and I would love any help that you could provide me.
I haven’t tried melatonin but my daughter uses melatonin for her condition and it has limited success. The insomnia does have drawbacks at times but then there are some very good benefits such as more time to write and I can stay awake to watch my daughter while my wife sleeps. I hope to speak to you very soon
P.S the strawberry tarts had my mouth watering but they are forbidden fruit on my diet
we are a family how travels the world and decision making is a daily thing for us . and we think that we figured it all out, we find ourselves trying to decide all over again…
thanks for these great posts.
Gabi
You have some very good stories to tell on your travels I bet. I would love to travel the world but it is something that will have to wait for a while yet. I am the worst decision maker as I can never tell you what I want. I try to please people too often and that can be my downfall I think.
Thanks for reading and commenting and I hope you have a pleasant trip to wherever you are going next!